I Wrote A Love Letter And It Felt So Amazing
|This picture was taken by the addressee|
That's right. I fell in love again, someone has broken my defense after a long long.. time. This time to the right lady but probably in a wrong time (as always). To explain this, I'll try to answer some questions you never ask that I made myself.
Why did I write this letter?
Because I want to experience good things that my Mom and Dad had experienced. It was literally spontaneous. Never thought that I would do that before, but when I realized that I was an incompetent Text Messengger and emoticon player, I thought it was a good idea to essentially express myself through written, carefully thought, emotional but emoticonless letters. To think further, in this era where instant speedy result is somehow the key, it is unlikely for my generation to do this kind of activity with their loved ones. I would admit that there were sensations like no other before, during and after writing a proper letter. So fulfilling.
Who I wrote this letter to?
Someone who gives me constant braingasms I've been craving for eons. As far as I remember, the very first time I met her in my life was somewhere around Pasar Jumat Purwakarta area in 2009. She was with her Mom and I was accompanying mine, and they are close friends by the way. I remember my first thought when meeting her was, "This lady is definitely out of my league. I should forget this". It turns out that she is. Can't tell her name, I've troubled her life enough, all right?
Why writing letter now? Why her?
Stupid question, Brain. Next!
How was the process of writing?
It was really exciting. I went to my rent room after office hour, looking for couple of papers then held them first. I understand that writing a letter isn't like texting. The contents are just totally different. Thus, the most important phase to me was remembering every details of interesting moment and bits of her that I really fond of. Then, I tried to jot them down in certain styles, hoping that they would deliver very well. When the letter's done, the next day in office break time, I walked to the post office, stood in the line, bought a stamp, and waited for the magic to happen.
The waiting-for-the-mail-to-arrive moment alone was quite interesting. I wouldn't know if my letter would ever arrive or not. The uncertainties of everything were charms on their own to me.
How was her reaction to that?
She cleverly replied my mail through an electronic letter because she didn't feel like sending a mail via Pak Pos. She sent me across a well-crafted email, succintly explained her position towards my gibberish, implicitly previewing a deep dilemma and put a classy closing in the end of it.
How do I feel about that?
Pretty amazing, I would say. Now, I want to believe that she has gracefully turned me down, which is okay since it was done in the most honest manner possible. Of course, it's unfortunate not being able to be with her for now, but rest assured, no worries, no regret.
What am I going to do about it?
Move bloody forward. And, don't forget to enjoy the ride.
What will happen if one day I meet her again?
I will greet her as polite as humanly possible like we used to do.
Will she do the same?Don't know. It's her rights to react however she wants. I can't speak for the other person across the river.
Why do I think it's worth sharing?
This is what I consider as a milestone of my life. That's somehow important, right?... Right?...
Do I feel ashamed for all of those things? And for this writing?
Fuck no. Why should I be ashamed for being honest? You know what's so shameful? It's lying to yourself. Trust me, I know.
Do I feel like a loser after all of these things?
Been a loser all my life, never truly a winner. People are within their rights to judge, really. They judge wedding reception's buffet, Path posts, Instagram captions and whatnot. I mean, people judge everything, don't they?
Do I feel like a weirdo right now?
Well, sort of. In fact, Thom Yorke was right, I feel like a creep. I feel this way because when I was writing a letter, I had to think about this special person, every details that I like about her, our moments (if any) that I consider precious, etc. l retraced every moment of us, tried my best to beautify them in some styles of writing and wrapped them up with my ugly handwriting. I feel like being possessed, obsessed if you will. Yes, I do feel like a creep, a weirdo.
Will I write a piece of letter again in the future?
100000% absolutely yes.
Good talk, self.
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